Airbrix

Airbrix

At the Airbrix factory in Woomsworth an email is read. "Bleeding hell boys this isn't the average customer," they all agree in the Customer Care Department, just then the door bursts open a massive creature like King Kong blocks the doorway, with a rocket in his hand. Packers drop kit mouldings everywhere, there is a fateful air, the relaxed joviality ceases, the managing director Phil Smith warned what would become of pissing Airbrix customers off, he told dark tales of a similar encounter in 1950 with a father of a disappointed  son making the Woollington bomber. He was dismissed as a boring old fart by the rest of the young modern directors when he disagreed after they advised making redundant, Larry Corby, a man with fifty years experience, who actually assembled the models and reported snags.

 They  introduced a feared  and dreaded Customer Care team. Straight from University with degrees in bollocks, they came up with statements like " Traceability Code, production number," and of course help lines manned by incoherent figures, and all on a premium rate number at £3.00 per minute. Back to the factory the huge dark figure grabbed a pretty blonde from packing, who calmed him somewhat doing hand stands and strange dances. The huge figure roared and decided to keep her, she sympathised with him, smiled, giggled, and said. "See if little Amy can help you pissed off Dark Figure"(holding the instructions upside down) she comes up with, "there it is, the production number, I set it up myself. Oh maybe not that's a part number." He doesn't kill her as he likes her a bit more than The Customer Care Team, who meanwhile try to trace which one of the annoying little faceless Pooch drivers caused this latest incident. 

This team seemed to pride themselves on who could annoy the customers the most. Mark was brought to the front, and they shouted at the hip smart arse, "give him to Dark Figure!" They all mocked Mark in unison. Mark screamed on the floor, but it was no use, Dark Figure had dropped Amy and made his way to the Customer Care Team section. 

"Where is he?" He boomed, they pushed Mark to the front, then hid behind desks everywhere. Dark Figures face was inches away from Marks, who had the rocket instructions laid out on a spare desk. Mark couldn't make head nor tail of it. Dark Figure said in a low tone, "Traceability Code!" Try as he might, Mark  couldn't find it anywhere, his hands shook as Dark Figure shouted. "Come on, come on, where is it?" Just then Amy came in and calmed Dark Figure.

 He walked out with Amy and they became close and married, they had two fine children, a girl and boy. Mark is still looking for the code to this very day. Dark Figures little boy is throwing Airbrix kits at the wall in frustration, his sister tries to calm him. Dark Figure just pats him and says. "That's my boy!"  

Meanwhile at Airbrix The customer care line is busy in Boogladish, the call centre is well briefed with phrases like Traceability Code, and a new one. "Product ref slip 0002756444330zy." This can't be found either so the bill meter ticks on while new "Dark Figures" emerge everywhere. A bad cauldron of discontent is brewing worldwide, maps are consulted and the Dark Figures converge on the Airbrix factory in Woomsworth.........

Kevin Humphreys

November 2012