Sunday, 8 December 2013

I Have a Little Dolly

I've got a little dolly  and no one really knows
I should have guns and soldiers, motors trucks and bombs.
I play with her in the morning and when I'm home from school
When mother comes into  my room  and tells me all the rules.

I cover her so quickly but I'm afraid it shows
I don't look at her angry face only at my toes.
Should I sneak her out again when out the room she goes?
Ah what the hell I can't resist her pretty little nose.

I cover her with tissues to keep her nice and clean
Then  I hide her back away my lovely little queen.
My  tractor, jet and box of cars are lying on the floor
The dust it builds on all of them and the dinosaur that roars.

Get  out and play my father says stop hiding from the world
Pick some friends and run around and chase some pretty girls.
When you're a lad you need to see a little more than this
Get your pals together go and catch some fish.

That's not for me I like to cook and wear some pretty clothes
I've bought myself some make up and shoes from shops I know.
I think I'll tell my mother she's sure to tell my dad
I don't know how he'll take it, probably go mad.

It wasn't bad I must admit he took it with a shrug
He hugged me tight and made a joke I never thought he would.
Now leave your mothers clothes alone they're special only hers
Don't steal any of her wigs they only fit the girls.

I started work and found a friend who kept it to himself
We swapped our clothes and make up he needed lots of help.
I'm out alone in secret, I go to friendly bars
I've started taking hormones and took to wearing bras.

I went to see the surgeon we chatted quite a lot
Before they take your manhood it's a last step of an op.
It cost me all my savings and a little more besides
When I awoke the world was right with tears in my eyes.

I have a little place in town it's not far from the bar
I sing and dance and tell some jokes they love you as you are.
I earned a lot of money from being on the stage
My bawdy brazen  singing and very funny ways.

I still have little dolly she sits upon my bed
The times come flooding back to me now my folks are dead.
I'll never have a little girl to give the love I knew
We sit alone and chat as friends my dolly we are true.

 Kevin Humphreys

08th December 2013

Friday, 10 May 2013

Bingo Wings
Bingo Wings, Bingo Wings
I've got a pair of Bingo Wings
Marking all  your cards isn't very hard
If you have a giant pair of Bingo Wings

If you haven't got a pair don't give a care
You have to earn your set of Bingo Wings
Find yourself a seat It's yours to keep
Or you'll never get a pair of Bingo Wings

Bingo Wings, Bingo Wings.....

Look at all the girls with the bright blue curls  
Showing off a pair of Bingo Wings
Grab yourself a pen or you won't know when
You'll grow a sweeping set of Bingo Wings

Bingo Wings, Bingo Wings.....

When you shout out house with a big loud mouth
Make sure you flash your Bingo Wings
Give it all you've got, shake them both a lot
Or they'll never see your pair of Bingo Wings

Bingo Wings, Bingo Wings.....

Off for her shopping, this girl must have won
No matter what her life, she'll never ever run
Treating all her friends to a night on the town
Off to a tan booth getting nice and brown

Bingo Wings, Bingo Wings
I've got a pair of Bingo Wings
Marking all  your cards isn't very hard
If you have a giant pair of Bingo Wings

Kevin Humphreys
28th April 2013

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Silence is Golden
If you ever visit the Lake District in Cumbria, England, be prepared, not just for the usual rain and narrow winding lanes and sheer lack of shopping facilities. No you will notice them small inconveniences , more it will be for the absolute natural beauty of this diamond of nature, set in high colourful hills compressed together, that imprison vast quantities of pure crystal clean water into lakes of flat shimmering beauty. No doubt you will have to stop your car or bicycle at regular intervals to photograph these wonderful awe inspiring natural ranges.
I had started off early that day after filling my little mini car with petrol at 60p a gallon, I'll bet that will bring back some memories. I arrived in Lake Windermere to it's white swans and chugging ferry boats filled with waterproof clothed walkers and excited children. At the aircraft display I  touched a real World War 2 Spitfire fighter plane, every schoolboys and dads dream. After long drives and stopping off for viewing points we decided on taking a turn off to a village who's name eludes me. It was a warm summer evening and as we approached the village centre the swifts darted about in the sky. I parked up by the pub and let the car rest and cool down.  It was only when we got out of the car we noticed the sheer silence, I mean real peace and utter quiet.  Coming from a city you are never prepared for this level of peace. I've visited villages before but never ever experienced this atmosphere. Everybody walked so quietly, not a word spoken.
A pint beckoned so we opened the latch on the door, looking around we saw the village types, they all looked up at us without a word. I swear I could hear them thinking about us. I walked over to the bar being careful not to disturb the deathly silence, no gaming machines or TV to be seen. Even ordering the drinks you lowered your usual voice because the barman heard every low toned word from you. We sat down whispering to each other and dare we order some crisps? Even if they sold these ear shattering snacks I fear we might have been taken to the hanging oak for intrusion and disturbance of the peace. Well we played it safe and bought the sandwiches and stew. Very nice it was too, and the cool keg beer sent it on it's way nicely. We relaxed a little after the wine and beer but decided to leave and walk the alcohol off before the drive home.
Passing the rest home the residents probably thought they had already arrived in heaven in such a restful setting. I swear this place was quieter than absolute zero decibels. It was such an unusual little village the likes of which I don't think I will ever see again. It was just turning dusk as we left down the winding lane, funnily we both turned and looked at each other in silence as we didn't need to say a word, we both knew what we had experienced. I often wonder to this day has it still managed to escape the advance of time and the noise that comes with it, or is it there amongst the hills cocooned in its silent little world without a drill or chainsaw in sight.  One thing I know now it would be a writers paradise, nothing could distract you there, I don't think I even saw a church, maybe God wasn't even allowed to gatecrash utopia.

Kevin  John   Humphreys
30th December  2012       

Monday, 26 November 2012


Friday it’s brilliant I’ve finished my work.
A few pints of lager try for a girl, the perfect new lady who’s out of this World.
She understands offside and all F.I.F.A. rules, dubious tackles and players who fool.
My mates they all tell me she doesn’t exist.
Your wasting the time lad so be realist.

Go for a lady who has a career, and won’t really miss if you’re out on the beer.
You’ll need cash for tickets for us in the cup, a coach ride to Wembley
 We just need more luck.
You don’t want a lady, who follows you there, shouting stop swearing.
Hey! ref that’s not fair.
Your mates will all leave you to be on your own, she’ll stop all the drinking and then she will moan, this football is boring let’s buy us a home.

Sooner or later you’ll have to choose, shoes for the children or matches with booze.
Watching Cable on match afternoons, mother is visiting strictly no booze.
It’s shopping on match days and you’ll have to drive, the kid’s are all crying with things in their eyes. Screaming hey mummy he’s pulling my hair mum she smacks Billy who screams it’s not fair.
Then you’ll be shouting, I can’t hear the score, she’ll grab at the children
and slam the car door.

She’s gone to her mothers your all on your own slugging the whisky
 and stuck on the phone.
You’re watching the footy on cable T.V. the screen just goes blank a problem you see.
The radio crackles as you make the tea, the tuning is way out not like the T.V.
Your old mates will pass you on the way to the pub.
Hey! lad it’s all over they say with a shrug.
They give you a ticket the games in the Prem; playing United should be a gem.

Match day arrives you get up for your coat the ticket has vanished the kids surely know.
Your mates won’t forgive you for they had a sale, they could have sold it
and paid for the ale.
You wife she tells you she was having no luck she still has the ticket but her phone just got stuck, to tell you to come back and get it oh shucks.

It’s nearly full time the tickets no use, the papers say a great game it was.
A year has passed and your team won the cup, the mates that you had are living it up, off to the parties and games by the score, you’ve settled down don’t need it no more.
The kids have grown up and got kids themselves, Peter and Amy aged about twelve.
You go to the match just the one’s that you choose with young Grandson Peter strictly no booze, the club shop later for bits for his room.

Peters playing for the team in his school, clubs have shown interest
and want him to move.
One day his father will shout out his name his mother and granddad
will all do the same?
Money and fast cars the fans call his name, Peter, Peter they all chant the same.
Kids wear the strip with his name on the back, because he’s a striker and always attacks.
Girl’s hang around him from his old class he stays with a beauty,
She’s his new lass.

Years go by he wins a few cups he marries his class mate finds a new club.
World cup appearance the final as well, he scores the winner one close as hell.
Name in the papers his wife’s name is Mel, her new range in clothing make up as well.
Chat shows and speaking millionaire’s row, club can’t afford him so off he must go.
New club in Italy goals by the score, the fans they adore him and he gives them more.
Peter is older slow to the ball, he misses some sitters his backs to the wall.

Retires from football he talks on T.V. tells all the fans what they don’t really see.
You can’t fool the watchers they see what you don’t, trip in the box or elbow in throat.
It’s all about woodwork and lines for offside, players just kidding look ref! They cry.
Footballs all money to see who is who; the fans queue for ages for the magical few.
We do it for more than the game on the grass, a soggy meat pie or soaking wet ass.
Remember you clubs to give us respect. Without the fans there’s just nothing left.

Kevin Humphreys 
6th November 2010.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Bin Laden and David Cohen in Hell
Well now, old Bin Laden wakes up in Hell, he’s really surprised, looks around at all the burning screaming miscreants openly sobbing, and say’s to The Devil. “Hey you Infidel, where’s my seventy two virgin’s I was promised.” The Devil looks around in dismissive prose at our perplexed Islamist and talks deeply and slowly. “My dear boy could it be you are not aware of where you are and who I am? I think you will surely not find one, never mind the number you require we simply just don’t do virgins.” “Well who are you then? “ Our sea salty cleric asks. “This is Hell and I’m The Prince of Darkness, Lucifer if you like.” The Devil says as he puffs out his chest. “Your here because that pompous lounge lizard up there among the clouds didn’t think you were up to scratch, to be honest I could do with a bad geezer to help me out down here.” Bin Laden looks shocked and disappointed, his shoulders sag and he looks around at the characters skulking in hot coves and dark settings. “But I thought I was good Lucifer, getting rid of all those anti Islamic, decadent westerners, why I even toppled a few buildings containing some alcohol swigging sinners.”   
“Hmmm Lucifer says twiddling his goatee beard, I’m not sure half the Earth will see it that way, but just because you fight for a cause it doesn’t mean you are in the right old boy. Look Bin you are here for a long time why not just get on with being a complete bastard? You have had lots of practice so it should be easy for you.” “I see what you mean Lucifer, but can’t you see I always considered myself good and reasonable, it was those Americans who are the sinners in my eyes?” Bin say’s unconvincingly. “I don’t want to be drawn into politics Bin, you are here for a reason and one only mate, and you have upset the good people so it’s down to me in my home you stay.” Lucifer insisted with an air of superiority. “Look Bin why don’t you take a look around my home? You will know lots of my guests, Hitler, Saddam, Chemical Ali, Genghis Kan, Pol Pot, Stalin, Myra Hindley,  Al Capone, I could go on, they are all sad disillusioned folk who still can’t get their heads round the fact they were complete bastards, just like you Bin Laden!”  “Hitler was a good lad, he fought the Jews.” Bin Laden smirked thinking he had put one over on Lucifer. “I think we might share the same ground on that one thinly Bin old boy, but really we have hundreds of Nazi generals packing the place out, not to mention freedom fighters galore, all thinking they were right. That geezer upstairs is a Jew so you might have a point with me at least; But we are not here for our views rightly or wrongly, so zip it man, and while you are at it get a steam bath you reek of fish. “
“I’m going to send you a video Lucifer to see if I can convince you I’m a good boy.” Bin says lamely. “Don’t tire me Bin it’s been a cold day for me, you are to film making what woodworm was to mine support beams, unwelcome! Get it do you? Now get to work, start making love to those Broadway hookers that should dampen your attitude, pure American they are, and you know how you like porn, didn’t mind the Yanks then did you?”  Lucifer snaps tired of the ranting cleric. “After a couple of hours watching porn with Saddam and Hitler, Bin Laden retires to bed and thinks in the name of Allah this rooms hotter  than an Afghan whore house.  Besides he can’t sleep with all that snoring and laughing from The Boston Strangler .  Add all those boy racers zipping up and down all night, this sure was Hell. Finally Bin goes to sleep, he dreams and wakes up to the loud bang of a couple of suicide bombers, “In the name of Allah, can’t you stop all this noise, isn’t there enough fire down here already?” The bombers answer back. One shouts. “We are only doing what you taught us boss, where’s my virgins anyway? I was better off with that big fat wife of mine, at least I had sex twice a year.”

 Bin Laden takes a preaching pose. “Have I ever let you down? Settle with a few of those Western Whore’s over there for now my Brothers, Allah will forgive you.” Bin says to the hundreds of men repeatedly blowing themselves to pieces, hoping to appease them. “Ah fuck you phoney jerk.” They all say in an American accent. “Holy Fatwa what has become of everything?” Bin shouts, then he sobs to him self on the bed. Just then a Diamond Dealing Jew from Hatton Garden, London taps him on the shoulder and says.  “Do not despair Brother, we can be friends after all.” Bin Laden jumps back in revulsion shouting. “I would sooner give oral to a U.S. Marine than be a brother of yours David, this really is Hell.”  David sits quietly rocking back and forth like he's in prayer. Finally after all this awkward silence Bin says. "Stop being a pompous bastard David like all your Israeli brothers, anyway what did you do to upset daddy up in that white palace?"  "Well Bin you could say we are alike in our equal hate capacities, I returned home from London to The Holy Land and fired a rocket at a shed full of Palestinians, causing  huge damage and death." David grins. "Why you bastard Lamb Shafter, I'll cut your throat, I will spread your entrails in the Suez, I will.... Before Bin can finish David takes out a black polished  box from under his bed and invites the still furious Bin to open it. Lucifer hovers around curious to see the men at least talking to each other. Bin slowly opens the box to reveal the head of a beautiful woman in perfect condition. "Where did you get this, this wonder of nature, this complete beauty David?"  David explains to Bin she was a female suicide bomber who blew up an embassy, he gathered it and kept it, the reasons were many, first there was her stunning beauty, then his admiration for her courage, and lastly great sadness that she thought so little of her life to end it in such a wasteful way. "Wasteful to you! Infidel western loving traitor to the east!" Bin burst into the conversation grabbing David by the throat. The two men rolled about punching and biting each other. David goads Bin even further sniggering, "better not tell your brothers you tried to eat a Jew Binny, Ha! Ha!"  Lucifer grabs the two fighters by the scruff of the neck shouting, "will you never learn? put your hate to good use, we need to gather more for our land here. We won't do it by this constant pulling each other apart. Lads we are all bastards together, get used to it. Now look I'm going to send you two back to Earth to enrol as many innocents to your evil ways as you can, and lads, lads, make sure they do real bad ok?" " Yes boss." They both say in unison. Bin and David look at each other smiling. I'll send you back next week, Lucifer says before moving on to the next bunch of screaming harlots.
David throws the box with the woman's head in it at Bin, "keep it, Bin, I'm not sure I best return it to her family." Late that night an overwhelming urge comes into Bin's mind, he can't stop thinking about the woman's face and lips inside the box. His hand moves down slowly to his groin, he lingers, then murmur's "no, no, this is unmanly." And he withdraws his hand away, he cries to himself, sobbing " this is Hell, Hell," the box is facing him on his table. Suddenly the box lid opens to reveal the beautifully sculptured face of the suicide woman. Bin overcome by his urges patters out of his hot bed and pulls the full lips of the woman to his manhood, he thrusts in and out, faster and faster, "forgive me Allah" he shouts. All this noise disturbs David who bursts in shouting, "What the Jesus is going on?" Poor Bin is at the point of no return and like a jet about to take off nothing can stop it, he doesn't see the Jew and shudders, then with all the pulling he dislodges the head from the box. Bin lies back on the bed with the head stuck to his manhood.
 David realising Bin is in so much ecstasy hides behind a curtain. Finally Bin lets out a big satisfied sigh and pulls the head off his slackening manhood. Bin looks at the smiling woman's face and strokes her dark curls. By this time David is rolling about laughing, Bin hears this. And covers his shrivelled manhood with his tunic. When your caught in the act it's no time for arrogance, so Bin say's lamely. "Erm is that you David?" David cannot answer because he's pissing himself. Recovering from his embarrassment Bin resumes his short tone, "Answer me you sheep shagger!" David can finally talk and says, "I've heard of giving it some head but this is ludicrous!" Bin looks down and sees a label on the back of the head of the woman, it says, You now have aids you filthy bastard, love from Honey, The New York street walker. Bin is furious, he looks down to see little cuts in his manhood, he shouts, "infected with the non mans disease from an American Whore!" David is in pleats and can't breath, finally he blurts out, "she's a lady boy too!" Bin is distraught and beats his pillow. "I hate this place, I don't deserve to be here. I'll get you for this Jew boy." David just smirks at him, goading him until Bin snaps and lunges at him. Lucifer drags the two men apart, "I thought I told you two to make the peace. I need you working for me not arguing!" David is making a clasped up and down hand at Bin behind Lucifer's back, whispering "Wanker, wanker." Bin looks at David and pulls his hand across his throat in a slashing motion. Finally with Lucifer's presence the two hateful men go to bed. About five minutes later they sleep.
Not long after some suicide bombers kick off, shouting before they die, Allah, for Islam, my virgins! "Fucking idiots," Bin mutters to himself as he swigs a Jim Beam bourbon. Bin settles down again, two minutes later Hitler is giving a speech to anyone who will listen with a megaphone. Bin shouts "Adolph go to bed, nobody likes BMW owners, they are arrogant pricks just like you." Hitler doesn't understand Bin and just carries on giving a loud speech. Bin cries to himself, "what did I do to deserve this?"  He gets up and kicks the lady boys head into the corner. It seems to have a grin all over it so Bin puts it back inside the box to laughs from David. "Be careful with your boyfriend Bin." David shouts goading the seething cleric. Bin settles down again and puts some headphones on, sadly he never hears the gang of demons outside throwing hot bricks into his bedroom, they land on him and burn into his back and  he screams in pain. Lucifer is doing his rounds and calls in to see the Arab. Bin complains and Lucifer chases the demons away, "go and give Myra Hindley a little dose of the hot rocks my children will you?" They all cackle and run off to begin the evening of Myra baiting. Bin asks Lucifer for something for the burns, Lucifer gives him a little tub and leaves to see how Pol pot is getting along. Bin reads the instructions on the tub, it advisers, "For bovine relief of burns and hoof ulcers." Bin checks with David if he's used it, David assures Bin it has instant relief. Bin plasters it on himself and notices it has a strong beef like smell, it doesn't seem to be making the pain go away. he shouts in to David, "hey stinking Jew, this stuff is useless!" David shouts back, "give it time you crying Arab." for some reason be it exhaustion or just pain he drifts off to sleep. Bin is soon awoken by hot breath on his neck, and a searing pain in his arse. He struggles vainly but the hoofed Beast is firmly locked around him, grunting and snorting, drivelling globules of smelly snot down his neck. The smell is awful and as it climaxes he feels the beasts organ burst his passage as it ejaculates inside him. There is a warm flow of blood moving down his buttocks and the pain is immense, Bin cries biting the pillow. This goes on for three hours, time after time after time. The Beast is evil and oblivious to Bin's screams. David shouts in laughing to the stricken Arab. "I think he likes you Bin." The beast looks around for a moment, Bin thinks it's all over, but no it starts again, until finally, later it lets Bin's limp body go.
The floor shakes with the weight of the Demon Beast. It's breathing hard and looks around Bin's room, taking whatever it likes, gold rings, his Koran, and the lady boys head. Bin lies there too scared to breathe let alone complain, he sees it in a glass bead, horned, with evil black eyes and a hoofed lower region, it's huge penis swing from side to side. Now he knows what Hell is like for certain.  The blood finally stops flowing, and Bin whispers into David, "I thought, you said it would bring relief you bastard." David shouts back laughing, well it did for the Beast, get over it Bin, be a man, we all had to go through it here!" Everyone is so scared of the horny beast the hot flamed streets are empty. Bin soon realises there is no day in Hell just dark ghastly night. Bin can hear the clumping of the beasts hoofs not too far away. It stops at a cave and bangs on the door of Myra Hindley, he sees it enter and hears her screams in the dark, coupled with the beasts loud snorting and climaxing. Bin is relieved it isn't him and lies there shaking with fear, afraid to move. Then he remembers the beef smell, "shit" he says to himself, he throws the pot down the alley and it rolls into Hitler's room. As Adolph sleeps the pot smoulders in the heat. The Beast is finished with the crying Hindley and as she sobs it sniffs the air and locates the smell to Hitler's abode. The air is filled with shouts in German as the beast wrecks the Nazi's last line of defence. Bin gets in the shower and washers the terrible smell of the Beast away, and more importantly the beefy ointment smell. He hears David laughing as Adolph is given the treatment. Hours later the Beast moves out to another part of Hell for some new flesh to plunder, a wave of fear is left in its foul wake. Bin hobbles around the room holding his bruised buttocks, he is brutally injured and needs stitches in his gaping wounds. He feels so glad the terrible ordeal is over and isn't even bothered David is clipping his toenails on his bed. Bin won't  dare ask for any ointment in case the smell of it entices anything like that nightmare again. and so he suffers in silence praying to his God Allah, but he hears nothing. Finally he asks David for some cotton to stitch his injuries. He realises he can't do it himself and has to ask David. At first David says no, but feels sorry for the Arab and gets on with the job turning his head away at times and missing the arse and sticks the needle into his balls. Bin screams, "pay attention you fucking Jew." David drops the needle and says "do it yourself you ungrateful twat." Bin says, "ok ,ok I'm sorry please carry on." David makes full use of his power and says "well shut up you wailing wall." David finishes to the relief of Bin who has something resembling a rear again. "A thousand blessings David, I'm beginning to respect you a little." "Don't go overboard Arab boy." The Jew snaps restoring the status quo of the partnership.
The two men retire to bed and the peace is soon broken by screaming mobs, car chases, bombings, shootings, you name it every unpleasant thing you could imagine. Bin goes outside for some prayer and sure enough it's not long before he's confronted by Genghis Khan, who asks him what is Bin looking at?  Bin not used to such insolence, instantly retorts," you dog keep your remarks to yourself." Genghis dismounts from his horse and punches Bin twice in the face, Bin falls to the floor bleeding heavily. He has never felt such hard blows in his life. There are no aids to protect him here, he is just a normal guy, having to eat the shit like us all.  Lucifer picks him up off the hot floor and can see the chastened defeated look in his hollow eyes. "How long will I be here for Boss?" he says in a whisper. "Why for all eternity Bin he laughs, get used to it. "I can't go on like this Boss," Bin cries. "You have no choice this is it, the end, your legacy Bin." Then the Devil walks away in silence leaving Bin to look around at the evil mess and mayhem surrounding him.  

At the end of the week Lucifer calls for Bin and David to follow him to the Devil Jet. "Do your best to enrol many souls for me lads, I'm relying on you, now go!" He says.  It's a boring flight, David reads the financial news and Bin reads about the decline of woman's morals tut, tuting all the time as he digests the Arab cleric authors preaching's.  David dryly points out, "any of your lot Piloting this plane Bin old boy?"  "Fancy a bacon sandwich?" Bin retorts. Pretty soon the air is thick with insults to each other.  Lucifer's voice booms over the radio. "Try and get on you two, or it's back to Hell for you!" This little reminder settles the bickering  men down. After a while they touch down in a private airfield in Yemen. They are disguised as western journalists, on reflection not a good idea, but whatever, they merge with the crowds. David goes one way and immediately makes a phone call to his Mother, he says "Mother it's David your Son!" "My sons dead you crank!" and hangs up. He realises his mistake and continues travelling to Israel. Bin is spotted by a conspiracy nerd who believes he has proof the US kept him alive and done a deal.  Bin explains he's really dead but the gathering crowd don't believe him. Bin explains he has had to get used to this most of his latter years and the crowd believe him but not the nerd who contacts a newspaper editor in Fleet Street.
 Strangely Bin doesn't  want to get involved with any killing or evil doing, he just appreciates the fresh air and peace.  He walks for miles, drinking  orange, eating,  talking to the people.  He travels to Dubai and meets a sweet woman, he stays the night with the woman, and feeling sorry for himself tells her his story. As she strokes his hair a knock on the door is heard, Bin answers the door; it's the Devil himself. He walks past Bin and sits down.  The girl is terrified and pulls the bed sheets up to her chin. The Devil looks at her and laughs, "well I'll see you in hell then, my pretty, as the saying goes."  She doesn't say a word.  Lucifer say's "Well Bin old boy, tell me how many little souls have you managed to snare for me?" Bin replies sheepishly, "Erm not many boss, I've some organising to do." "Well give me figures then." The Devil snaps. "Not a lot but I will have some news soon." "I'm becoming annoyed Bin, how many?" The Devil screams, thumping his cane on the floor. "Well none yet."  Bin says quickly. " None, none, you useless bastard I don't want to see anymore of this Bin, get results, then you can consider some pleasure, not the other way round, I'll see you in a week and I want some figures then!" Lucifer reminds our horny Arab. The Devil leaves and winks at the pretty woman. "He scares me to death," She says with a shiver.  Bin looks depressed as he's realised he can never get involved in the killing game again. He stays with the woman and tours Dubai, staying at the best hotels. He phones the White House and makes the peace with the US.  The Devil hears about this and hotfoots it to bin's hotel suite early. Bin thinks the knock on the door is the room service and is expecting a lobster and champagne supper.  It's the Devil, old Lucifer himself, he's furious, and orders Bin to follow him to the waiting Devil Car. His girl cries and tries to hold on to Bin but it's no use, orders is orders and no one disobeys the Devil.  It's quiet on the way to the Airport, Bin boards the Devil Jet and David is sitting in his seat looking sad. They are quiet and hardly speak to each other. David says "You enrolled none either?"  Bin shakes his head and asks," what for us now?" David informs Bin it will be a tough couple of hundred years for them both until the next mission, if they are ever offered one again. The in flight food is ghastly, and the cabin is boiling hot.  A gremlin bites Bins leg, another peeps over the top of the seat and slashes David's ear with a hot little dagger.  Lots of horrible things happen to the men on the rest of the journey.

They return to their usual homes.  The Devil says nothing to them.  Bin is worried, there is a bad atmosphere everywhere. He settles down on his bed, he hears a sound of slow hooves, snorts, a bad smell fills the air, a bang on his door, his scars have only just healed. He looks out of his window and sees a queue of horned Beasts waiting. His heart beats fast and a sickly pain reaches his stomach, he can't keep his hands still. Bin Laden goes to his bathroom and finds a rusty razor, he lifts it up to his throat and cuts deep into the flesh, his head spins and he falls to the floor and the last thing he sees is a hoof in front of him. He wakes to see the Mighty Man, God himself. God says, "Hello Bin, how are you? It's no use killing yourself to escape your time, you must serve it out." " Bin grabs Gods ankle and kisses his feet, "I'm sorry for my sins God, I truly am, please don't send me back to Hell. How long will I be there for?" God advises Bin it is forever and dismisses Bin's pleas and sends him back to the Hot Hell. The Devil greets him and sends him to another part of Hell, even worse than the last one; Hotter, noisier, with no David to confide in, life is well, Hell. Bin lies down on the hot burning sheets, he can't rest, there's no shower room, TV, books or food. Later that day, he hears the knock he knows so well, he rushes shaking to find a sharp instrument, he can find nothing. It's too late the Beasts are on him, he screams as the pain rips up into his private body, a ghastly smell reaches his nostrils as he vomits. The ordeal lasts and lasts as the unfeeling monsters took it in turns to urinate on Bin. It goes on and on, days come and go, the pain is relentless, Bin bleeds to death. Again he wakes up to the hand of God pointing to the door to Hell.
Bin is put in a worse room again no bed, he's naked, the hot coals burn his feet and he dances until exhaustion renders him unable to dance no more and he screams with the pain, his feet dissolve and he tumbles over, soon his hands and arms are gone, there is nothing to save him now as the hot burning coals roast through to his heart. Bin dies, God returns him to Hell, two burly and evil Beasts lower him into molten lead. Bin Laden shouts for mercy and forgiveness but none comes. Death comes slowly and painfully, death is no relief now, not a moments respite, the hot oven surrounds Bin as the searing pain burns deep into his body......David suffers a similar fate, he has been through this before, but wait, what is that door opening with a draft of cool air and blue light? Well God remembers how they both renounced their evil killing ways for a day or two, whilst sent back down to Earth to recruit more souls for Lucifer, the Almighty decides to give them some respite as agreed by the universal after death laws. They are both summoned to the Devil, he booms out in a loud voice, fuck you both, you ox and pig shit, you've let me down, and what happens? I'll tell you what, that circumcised goody two shoes pulls a technicality on me, you can go to the Holding House until a place can be found for you both, fuck knows where. But remember this you pair of pricks, one mistake and you will be back here with me to do as I like with you both forever! I will throw huge temptation your way and my army is powerful. So until then boys, enjoy your little stay over at my little brothers house. Sadly he still has faith in human nature, the poor misguided fool.  
Two of God's Angels send a cool carriage to collect the two men, the Angel's  bathe  their charred bodies with cool potions and as they do this, they watch the Devil stare at them with the most bone chilling evil look you could ever imagine, the snorting beasts stand behind him with no expressions at all, just cold dark stares.      

Bin and David pass through a long dark passage and look silently at each other with deep hollow defeated eyes, they know this is their last chance, but will they take it?  The Holding House is a tad cooler than Hell with chastened souls all over the place, these are only too glad to behave and wouldn't risk making the mistake of causing trouble or evil. But there are temptations, Lords line the streets trying to recruit the men into their evil ways with promises of power and wealth.  It means nothing to them now, but knowing these two can they hold out for thousands of years in their modest little holdings with no air conditioning?  Fifty years pass and Bin and David's wounds are healed, they regain their sense of humour and even laugh at each other at times. One dark night, well every night is dark in Holding actually, David sneaks into Bin's room dressed as a beast and snorts by his ear, Bin jumps up screaming, and shaking uncontrollably, then folds into the foetal position,  just like a little baby sucking his thumb, he laughs in bursts and can't seem to come out of it. David say's, "Jesus Bin, you were really traumatised by the beasts back there in Hell weren't you man?" David feels sorry for playing the prank and realises Bin is a broken man.  Bin stays like this for hours, every time David goes near him he jumps and whimpers like a frightened pup.  Bin cries shouting, "Allah save me, please save me!" he turns to David screaming, " I'll get you for this you traitor of the people, you American arse licking bastard!" 
Three years later Bin finally forgives David and invites him for a small meal. David sits down to the Lamb dinner and just loves it, tell me Bin how did you make this? "Well David, firstly I mixed two pieces of minced Lamb with mixed herbs and roasted this in wine, but not before adding the secret ingredient." " Oh come on bin, you can share the little recipe with me, can't you?"  David begs Bin wanting to make this himself. "O.K. then David it was thirty five grams of pork!" Bin sits back pissing himself laughing as David gags and gets up, he storms out shouting, "the Rabbi told me never to trust an Arab. I hope you sister marries an American Marine." Bin Laden shouts , "Mathew 5:38 an eye for an eye so it says in your bible, Western loving Jew Boy. " It seems the two men will always be pulling fast one's on each other. Next day the men shake hands and realise they must remain on communicating terms if they are ever to win that return to Earth. One hundred years later the Devil and his brother receive a communication from the man in the sky sent by God's lawyer himself.  Rather than go bickering with constant legal battles between Lucifer and God he agrees to end the fight for the souls of Bin and David by throwing a challenge down, who ever wins over the most souls  and converts them to  good shall win freedom from Hell forever, or lose and go back to the Devil. They must not fall back to sinful ways and commit no sins of note. "Lucifer likes the sound of this deal, besides he's sure he will retain the two men's company, and shows the drooling beasts the letter. "It looks like you might have these sweet little boys forever my children." He says laughing heartily. "Draft a reply to that pompous bastard  saying I agree, " Lucifer snaps to his scribe.  And so Bin and David are informed by letter of the good news, the day to embark to Earth duly arrives, as usual the aircraft is boiling hot with no air conditioning. The two would be saviours are given their guides. The door bursts open and even though it's forty degrees Celsius the air feels cool. The two men shake hands then go their separate ways.  Bin arrives at an old training camp in Afghanistan, he soon realises this isn't a suitable place for a preacher of good, and goes to Iraq instead.

David seeks out an outlook Israeli army post in the Gaza strip, but like Bin after reading his guide this spot is declared unsuitable, instead he goes to Bethlehem.  David goes to an old night club of dubious reputation, but he's there for a good reason. He tries to convert a dancer to take up prayer and bible studies. It's hard work and she seems to be more interested in selling him some over inflated drink and sex. Tired after a hard few hundred years he goes to his hotel. Over in Iraq Bin soon finds a keen Islamist suicide bomber who is keen to wipe the smile off the US presidents face. It's hard work, and Bin soon starts joining in showing the young fanatic some pictures of US targets, he comes to his senses and tells the trainee he was not serious and just wants to show him a better way. He's wasting his time though, the young hot headed man shouts , "die for the cause, Islam!" And fires his Kalashnikov into the air. Tired of this nonsense, Bin like David returns wearily to his hotel , limping from his old wounds from the encounters with the beasts.  It was a nagging reminder that he must do better. David showers, and he makes sure the water is cool, he lets out uncontrolled bursts of breath, and feels the soft cool sheets fall onto his aching body as he drifts into a glorious sleep. Bin does much the same as David and cries with relief as his head rests on the soft cool pillow.
After many weeks of searching for a soul to redeem, the two men realise they are not good at this preaching lark, they soon fall back into sinful and shameful behaviour, amassing wealth and fornication, although falling short of actually killing. Bin horror of horrors gives a cut of his fortune to  families of all religious denominations . David likewise buys shelter and housing  for Palestinian families made homeless in Gaza.  Lucifer is proud of his boys, but like the old school reports always say, "could do better." God isn't happy with the men, far from it, but feels they haven't committed any sins serious enough to be sent to Hell or be allowed into Heaven.  So it's a bit of a conundrum for The Devil and God. So they talk, this doesn't happen very often so it's a big event and the two haven't met for twenty thousand years. God says, "Lucifer, you are more ugly and massively evil looking than last time I had the misfortune to cast my eyes on you." The devil retorts, " Don't flatter yourself either, you look so deprived of any fun and even your right arm has grown extra muscle." Well it turns out the Devil thinks the men have grown too soft, and God thinks they are improving but are a bit selfish in their ways. For once the Devil and God pat themselves on each others back, and dare they say it they could actually work with each other , if only they could see it from each others point of view a little. But all this talk isn't going to solve the problem of where to  put the partly reformed characters. It seems they are pretty balanced rogues now and considering their experiences came out of it all fairly well. The two superpowers decide to send them to the Safe House, they will never become powerful or be able to kill again. David and Bin see each other from time to time, both grateful to have been shown mercy and grudgingly accept this really is the only way forward for everyone.   

Kevin Humphreys
July 2011  

Wednesday, 14 November 2012


That was the boy ok, stood on your fingers when you went to retrieve your marble.  Everyone laughed at once when he slipped on the hamburger, red sauce covered his backside and shirt.  No girl was safe from a hair pull, some days he couldn’t talk through a mouth stuffed with all sorts of tooth rotting fodder.  He was fond of this diet so usually he was left waving his podgy hands showing whatever he had to say.  One sock remained lowered permanently revealing a cut scabby shin.  Sure he had some friends, of the same skulking ilk.  If a window was broke or cat injured you could bet your life savings this crew would have a grubby hand in it.  Etchings and dried snot adorned his desk. Yeah he was the school girls’ prayer!

Believe it or not Stanley survived to puberty and wowed the females with his elite skills at popping face spots.  Of course he had every new fangled gadget and game that existed. And still He couldn’t put a tie on properly.  The rotund corker wasted the bank reserves equivalent of New Guinea with useless mobile phone calls.  The only class he could find was the detention room.  His parents loved the little blighter to the extent of believing their little love could never do wrong.  So naturally the teacher and governors relationship was stretched to its outer limits.

Stanley wasted no time in accumulating as much havoc as he could on leaving day.  Eyes were poked, girls slobbered over and teachers verbally abused.  A cloud of relief came over the building as he showed his heel for the last time at the school gate, then in to the waiting gleaming Bentley.  Young Stan jettisoned his worthless school report to the scrapping gulls.  Pedestrians were eye balled and Lord help any being less than perfect, they were subjected to mega views of a distorted pop and chocolate smudged gremlin.

Time waits for no one and Stan was no exception, His poor stricken father was the victim of wasted ventures for the lad, borrowings, let downs, the dad tried it all to get the young man started on anything, or at least getting out of his silk lined sheets before Midday.  Stan’s mother passed away at rather an early age and this hit our bugger lugs pretty badly.  The referee between the men was there no more, so naturally the house became an arena of masculine pursuit.  Pop had no back up so one booze fuelled evening a row started over would you believe a CD and the right to play the damn thing.  Stanley’s inexperience with the drink and emerging manhood got the better of him and He pushed his aging father over.

 The young man never meant to do any wrong. It was just that He wanted to be a man in his drink fuelled frenzy.  Poor dad cracked his head on the solid oak table and whizzed pole axed onto the carpet.  Stan had seen the look in his father’s eyes month’s before on Mother. Stan hugged his one and only friend, ‘please! Dad no! What have I done?’  Stan looked around stunned and horrified with fear and anger.  He screamed and cried, ‘my lovely dad, my lovely dad.’  He kicked the CD player to pieces, ‘You, You, You,’ He screamed.  Through the alcoholic nightmare sense began to emerge and he tapped in his mobile 999.  ‘I’ve killed dad He sobbed ‘An ambulance arrived, say what you will for some reason Stan prayed for His pop.  ‘Stan’ said the paramedic ‘he’ll be ok, take it easy son. He’s come round now.’  Stan kissed his dad and hugged him so hard he made him cough. Dad spluttered, ‘Stan best friends forever eh?’ Dad recovered and soon came home, if only to escape Stan’s visits.  From this day the two were the best of chums. Stan got a good business started and met a girl. She gifted Him a lovely son and daughter.  Stan doted on his girl friend and children.  They soon grew up and were sent to school.  One hot summers’ day Stan picked up the phone and the teacher said ‘hey Stan, it’s about Stan junior’ Stan Senior tensed and waited. ‘Just to say your boy is doing well and passed his exams.’

Kevin John Humphreys

08 12 2004