Disposable Income

The point were you say aha! I have a few quid to spare. Just when does an essential become a luxury? When do you feel poor? For some it will be not being able to send a child to private school. Others it will be only being able to rent a flat/house and not owning it, some saying bye to the car, holiday. What about only one pair of shoes, coat? Who decides the point of what is considered disposable income? What's a luxury item and not essential? The VAT office seem to know, but do they really know? Maybe there is no such thing as disposable income after all.    

No pain no gain

Yes, there's always a ransom to pay, Holiday= Rest, tan, girls, queue, packing,waiting. Car =convenience, comfort, tax, repairs, expense.  Can you think of one thing that don't come with a price? It's just the way it is, get over it! "There's owt for now't!" As they say in Yorkshire.
Bercher.

Old people in the bus stop

Hi,
It's good when old people talk to you, it's mainly the women, and they talk about the times of the bus and things. Take the one today, when the bus arrived she made sure we got on it first, even though the queue had built up, like she was looking after me, calling me son. Did she have children? Most likely, you get respect of people like that don't you? I wonder if I'll see her again on the route? Who knows?    

I am a Luddite

I admit it, I don't want the latest Apple phone, just the basic any model, I can't see the keys or handle them tiny little spider eyes, no sir bring on the giant keys,I can tap and view my two texts and phone calls a month with. No supermarket self serve for me, the bar codes won't scan, wait for the one assistant on duty.  Do they think anyone likes these machines? Wait at the till that's me. Get me a microwave with an on-off switch only, throw the pack in that's it. Don't get me started on washing machines, sat navs, automated phone calls.Is it possible to remember all these instructions? No one's working any more, jobs swallowed up by techno stuff. Yes the Luddites had a point, keep it basic, everyone working, Would they have closed the phone shops? 

The Paradox club

Hi,

Well as Christmas nights out go for the office it was eventful. The old Vernons Pools building by Aintree racecourse was the chosen venue. At the time it was converted to The Paradox Club, arranged in a disco style. My manager slipped and broke her ankle, I never danced even once, not for me that lark, some love it, mainly the girls. The bars where evenly spaced, I was alone free with my thoughts, it never felt like Christmas to me. I just clutched a pint between conversations. I felt confident and my life kept flying through my brain. The walloping beat of the music became irksome for some reason. I walked around in circles late on trying to find the exit. I must have walked around the building at least six times, passing my colleagues, saying goodbye again and again. What I thought could be an exit turned out to be a black curtain, with bricked up walls behind it. I stayed close to the perimeter like a blind person, all the way around leaving no space unchecked, no exit turned up, I stayed calm more intrigued than worried. In the end I had a shot for the road each time I circled. I wouldn't bury my masculine pride and ask for the way out, no not me! One of our office girls said, "It's you again I thought you said you were going." I never chatted this time. It was strange because I was sober really, and to think I used to tie postal bags as a postman on overtime somewhere here, but that was long ago. After an hour or so a reception area came into view, odd that, and off I went into the cool night and calmly sat in one of the waiting taxis. Most of the building is sadly, demolished, I still remember that event, I wonder why to this day the exit vanished, and if anyone else had experienced what I had.    

Doctors waiting room

Hi,
It's not a good place to be is it? You go in to the doctors waiting room with a non contagious ailment, you are confronted with a bug ridden atmosphere full of coughing, wheezing, spluttering patients. Now that can't be good can it? On top of your problem you now have a massive viral infection or influenza. Then you get an appointment one or two weeks away? We should have two waiting rooms, one for cuts, bust legs, arms, repeat prescriptions, the other for plagues, coughs, deadly diseases etc.
Bercher.

Crushed in a football stadium

Hi,
Some people outside of the football city of Liverpool, don't understand why you would want the world to not only know the truth about what went on in Hillsborough all those years ago, but for it to be accepted as the truth. Do you think it's really right for the families of the 96 fans who died, to hear their sons and daughters have been blamed for their own demise? Think about how you would feel just for one minute, then you will realise perhaps why the truth needed to come out about that fateful tragic event. More importantly why it took so long for this to happen.
Bercher.

Leaking milk cartons

Hi,
I get home to a bag full of spilled milk. We can design a 200mph+ car, land a Rover on Mars, but we still can't make leak proof milk cartons! While I'm at it there's DVD packets you can't open, pens that stop working while your're on the phone. Just niggles really......you get my point?
Bercher.  

Where was I on 9/11?

That fateful day,
I switched the news off early, was listening to music, drawing all day until 3.30pm. I got the phone call, "have you seen the twin towers in New York," "Yes," "well they are gone?" I turned on the news and was totally surprised, and disappointed. I looked at the news footage playing it over and over again. That's all I did for the rest of the day. The world was a new place after that, it would never be the same again, would it?

Watching

Hi,
I was watching a fly banging into the window hoping to escape. Bang! buzz! bang! repeating it over and over again. It was then I realised something could be watching all of us in our efforts to achieve survival. A being more advanced, like I had been watching the flies.  

Crane Fly

The dreaded crane flies, they sneak in don't they? I'll defy you ever to spot one coming through the door. The only time you ever see them is when they dance around the light shades or ceilings. A sure sign the Summer is over. Why do their legs fall off so easily when you grab them to throw the buggers out? Women hate them. They are cheeky little swine, they pick fights with you by flying in your face, noisy too, just like the blue bottle flies their close annoying cousins. If they were human you would  slap an asbo on them all. They make sure you get the message don't they?
Bercher.

Don't be a pain

Fancy coming to an Art opening night and finding a coffin on the stage, yes the sponsor was an undertaker. He gave a little speech, I'm wondering how he got around to saying four words as part of his speech, his philosophy on life. "Don't be a pain." Simple, effective, but so true!

Fatso

Extract from My new Story.........................

Fatso

Fatso tripped up and flattened the baby in the pram. The fat woman shouted, "Can't you people be more careful? Now I'm going to have to sleep with that gross husband of mine again to get another, not to mention the wait for another nine months. Oh get out of my sight will you." Fatso shrugged as he watched the woman shuffle into the distance shaking her head. The crowd gathered around the levelled former baby carrier and looked at Fatso, trying to work out his weight to the nearest ton. Fatso soon forgot about the incident , headed off to the McDonalds and ordered ten triple cheese burgers with chips. The door opened as Fatso was quaffing his fifth burger, in walked the fat woman with her massively fat husband. She noticed Fatso and pointed to him and said to her hubby "that's him Wayne, the useless slob who fell on our Chelsea." It looked like Wayne sympathised with Fatso, he appeared to have fallen on a few luckless people himself, he sat down next to Fatso and shouted to his wife; "Carly! get me two triple cheese burgers." Carly looked up to the ceiling and duly obliged.

While the two fat men waited for Carly they chatted about Chelsea, Wayne mentioned Carly wanted to have another baby quickly as she was miffed about the loss of her child. Wayne got serious and told Fatso that he wasn't Chelsea's biological father, he was infertile. To father Chelsea Wayne asked his friend who had many children to sleep with his wife in place of him." Wouldn't she know who I was?" Fatso enquired. Just then Carly was returning, Wayne asked Fatso to meet him in the Red Barrel pub that night and he would tell him how the feat would be accomplished. Carly snarled at Wayne shouting, "why haven't you chinned him yet you waste of oxygen?" "Now calm down Carly, Fatso's upset as we are over the accident today, we are all a bit emotional, you finish up here and I'll have a drink." Carly warned Wayne to get home early as she saw no reason why they shouldn't start trying for a child straight away.

After a few pints in the Red Barrel the two men discussed the master plan to get Carly impregnated. Wayne explained Carly always went to bed at eleven sharp and always insisted the light was off during the rare act. The spare key was underneath the plant pot outside number 4b Henry Way. Fatso was worried, but thought it was the least he could do to help the couple after flattening their only child. So off he went in the direction of the flats. On the way he thought about how long it had been since he had a coupling with a woman and even if he was up to the job. Fatso eventually found himself in Carly's dark bedroom. 

Gardens

Gardening weird work for me, keeps on growing, kids ruin it, complaints about trees blocking light, ivy killing the brickwork and hiding insects, fill that pond in it will kill the children, flowers keep dying, weeds flourish? Constant knocks for footballs, but it is beautiful yes? Just for a few days sunshine per annum lounging in it, a bad work trade off. Big question shall I concrete the lot over? 

60th Birthday

Hello,
Well now 60th Birthdays, touchy subject for most women, but she don't look it, would get away with a 40 something. Nice her first day at the school the staff bought her a massive bouquet of flowers. Well my son and his partner decorated the house in balloons and banners. My granddaughter helping out as only a tot can. I shoot around Asda with the family choosing the ingredients for the meal I will cook tonight. Some nice wine and a Thornton's chocolate cake will make it special. So how did we wind up playing kids party games? Yes the little one thinks every party is the same. Life eh? I'll be 60 soon as well, where did all that time go? Woosh a lot of memories, lots more I think, no such thing as winding down for me. I always believe I'm lucky to be here, I've been saved a few times by doctors. I wont bore you with the details. So lets get the sails up, full speed ahead.  

Belfast BBC Audition

Hiya,
I was shuffling through Belfast city centre a few years ago. I had been for an audition for a presenter job at the BBC that very day. I mean what made me think I could even pass the TV test, never spoken to a camera in my life? Yes that was it, I was in a variable bipolar high phase. I was tidy enough but more likely to have struggled getting  a tea making job, but god loves a trier they do say. We went for a cup of tea. Frank the black man in the trilby who accompanied his daughter said "Beware of skeletons in your cupboard with these jobs Kev! " How true.
I decided to sit down for a little rest on a bench. A man on a cycle looked at me, and he must have noticed my artificial hand, he gave me a leaflet about his book, something about the study of avoiding accidents, was he psychic or something?  Apparently you have to slow down, be more aware, it's an art form not to do things on auto pilot. 
I visited Harland and Wolff ship yard where the ill fated Titanic was built, silent and ghostly, sad in a way. 
There was a gay parade that day, all sorts of loudly dressed people dancing through the city. It was funny watching them arguing with homophobic men. Such is life. 
I bought my wife a bracelet, had a few drinks, the pubs seemed a bit odd to me, everyone listens to what you say as you ask for a drink, then start talking again. 
I set off for the Airport in the cab, ye gods, twenty quid. 
Saw the LFC team in the Belfast Airport lounge, phoned home to tell my son to get their signatures at Liverpool John Lennon Airport. It was good to be home, hopes dashed. The wife and son happy with their spoils, so they were!  
Bercher 

Doggy mess

Hiya,
We all know we can avoid them in the daylight, but in dark winter? You know the feeling, like you've stood on a pound of butter on a ski slope, only it don't smell like it, more like five hundred year old cheese! Now lets be reasonable here, we can't line the podgy fat git owners up and skewer them on disused hockey sticks can we? All right you could, but that would create more mess, think about it, blood, bodies, angry relatives, dog bites. Besides it's usually a little old lady with a big smile letting Millie relieve her smoking load on the pavement. So I have the answer my long suffering friends, "Luminous Dog Turds." An additive to pet food. Simple. Always here to help.
Bercher

Supergrass

Hiya,
"It's not tittle tattling" Says the teacher. Bloody is John, how can you sell this to the masses? Your teachers for gods sake, how will you ever educate the kids trying to sell them weary anecdotes? More up to date, we offer a witness protection scheme and a free phone number! I think that would appeal more and get you less of a bloody kicking. First it was "The Big Society" what's all that about? Now the "Fair Society." Ha! Ha! life isn't fair, ask any victim of the school bully. You can only sell what you would buy yourself!
Bercher

Disabled

Hiya,
Yes I could be classed as disabled, one hand, Bipolar. Paralympics is OK, but don't forget it's twice the effort for them daily. The losers still feel crap, even more so.  Feeds the insatiable recognition beast dormant in us all. Then he wakes, I want more, feed me now owner. It can be art, sport, work, fashion, make no mistake he's there, blinking in the dark coal cellar, waiting, salivating, ferocious, unstoppable. What of his enemy? The obscurity beast. He's more attractive, reliable you would want him at the dinner table with friends, consult with his wise words, no he won't down you, accept your weakness, chill out man, survival is the key for both, so they do share a carcass.
Bercher

England

The day is good, if you live in England!
Bercher